


Today (Seems Harder Than Yesterday)

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Early Days, Gen, Josh is there to comfort him, Light Angst, Regional At Best Era, Tyler has a bad day, can be read as pre-relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 18:33:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10996587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The bad feelings finally catch up to Tyler on tour and he feels himself breakdown. Luckily, Josh is there to hold him and pick up the pieces.For anyone who's having a bad day or night, and needs a reminder that you'll make it through.





	Today (Seems Harder Than Yesterday)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KingRufus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingRufus/gifts).



Tyler wasn't okay.

To be fair Tyler hadn't been okay since he was twelve and everything hit him head on. But today was worse than others. Today, Tyler wanted to self implode.

He had seen the signs for the last week, in hindsight maybe even the last month. Each day seemed harder to go through, nights too long and too dark. He could feel his body getting heavier with each passing eve and the will to get up in the morning slowly diminishing.

It was the fear of letting others down, the fear of being a disappointment, that kept him from hiding under the covers for the rest of time. The only thing stopping him from…

It had reached the peak level of difficulty this morning, when Tyler, jammed in the back of the van, couldn't leave the bed.

He tried, but it was like his body was paralysed, just Tyler trapped in his mind. It had taken him an hour or so of laying there, mind slipping in and out of awareness of the outside world, for him to grasp enough energy to pull himself up and lean against the back of the van, the mattress creaking underneath him.

His body was sore and his mind screaming, every part of his body too slow and painful.

Had they been driving? Or had the van been parked since Tyler woke up. He couldn't tell, too caught up inside to notice the outside.

Tyler stared at the blanket covering his knees where they were pressed against his chest, the blanket making an intricate pattern of grey and blue.

The kaleidoscope of colours kept Tyler's attention as his mind raged within, screaming at him that he was a failure. His music was a failure. His awkward stage movement was cringey. That he would never succeed with this tiny little band. A band that two members had left. A band that could barely be considered a band with only two boys trying to make some sounds that could save someone else.

Tyler rested his forehead against his knees, breathing in deep to try and get his body to move. It felt like his ribs creaked as they expanded, his chest not used to moving today. Everything had been so still.

Turning his head to the side, Tyler saw Josh sitting next to him. Not saying anything and not touching, just sitting. Eyes watching Tyler and arm almost grazing Tyler's sleeve as he inhaled.

They sat in silence, just staring at each other. It wasn't peaceful, Tyler was too… much, for peace right now. But it was the most secure he had felt today.

“What time?” Tyler asked, his words slow, but Josh was patient. He was always so patient. He was too good for Tyler. He was so talented. He could make it so far. Tyler was holding him back.

“Mid day, we were going to have lunch.”

That means Tyler ruined it. His semi comatose state had disrupting the small group in the van enough they couldn't eat. He was such a hindrance. A bother.

“Sorry.” His words were quiet. He needed to be louder. How would anybody listen to him, hear his message if he didn't scream it to the world? Beg and cry for someone to hear him. Wish for his words to save someone else, or for someone else to save him from his words. Either would do at this point.

“It's okay, they're gonna bring back food for us.” So Josh had been the only to stay behind. Tyler was glad. The less people he bothered, the better. Plus he couldn't deal with more people right now.

Tyler hummed to show that he had heard Josh, that he wasn't too far gone in his mind.

“You want to talk about it?” Josh asked, offering his hand palm up. Tyler slid his fingers between Josh's immediately, almost desperate for the contact. Needing a physical anchor to tie him to reality.

He could feel himself begin to ground again when Josh rubbed his thumb over Tyler's skin, pulling him back to the present with each stroke. “I don't know if I can say. Words are hard.”

Usually the words flowed out like blood when he wrote on a page, but trying to release those feelings while talking was a different monster. They got caught in his throat, tripping on his trachea and tangling with his tongue.

“That's okay,” Josh said with another caress of his thumb, “Can I come closer?”

Tyler nodded immediately, not realising how desperate he was for a hug. For someone to hold him. “More.”

Josh understood the message and helped move Tyler forward a bit so he could shuffle in behind him. Tyler was pulled backwards against Josh's chest as he wound his arms around Tyler's waist and rested his jaw on Tyler's shoulder.

It felt safe. Tyler could fall apart now, all those little pieces held together by the remnants of willpower and clothing could shatter to pieces and Josh could collect them. Hold his broken parts together until Tyler could sew himself back into one piece.

This was what he needed right now. Words were pointless, all sounding fake compared to the voice in his head, screaming at him, throwing his failures and flaws in his face like poison.

He could feel his body shatter, his arm drop down and collide into Josh's chest, his legs disconnect from his body as his head fell from his neck. He knew realistically that that wasn't happening, but what was real when everything felt so strong?

Friends don't exist. No one loves you. You're nothing. You'll be alone.

But Josh.

He was there. He didn't need to be. He didn't need to hold Tyler together and witness the ugly sides of him, the inspiration and reason for his lyrics. He had no obligation to Tyler besides the title of best friend.

Yet there he was, squeezing Tyler against him as if Tyler would slip through the cracks of Josh's fingers if he wasn't careful.

Josh came with the feeling of being loved. It didn't matter if it was romantic or platonic, that wasn't important. Tyler didn't care.

All he cared for was the way Josh knew. Josh knew when to talk, to distract, to listen, to hold, to understand. He never asked for anything in return. Never told Tyler that his problems were insignificant. Always made sure Tyler was safe, that he knew he was cared for.

Josh would pass him food on the days Tyler forgot, making sure he didn't venture too far into the dark parts of his brain when writing. Was the rope that tied him away from the edge and pulled him up when he fell.

Tyler loved Josh. He didn't know or care if it was romantic, that wasn't their relationship, at least not right now. But dark eyes and darker hair held safety in Tyler mind, along with the steady constant of drums and dialogue.

A sob broke out as Tyler leaned back, feeling the tears slip from his eyes, finally breaking the seal. He couldn't control it by that point, his body shaking as he unfolded, lying against Josh and just letting the emotions take over him. Each bad word the voice said, another sob and tear was released, alongside another squeeze of Josh's embrace.

He said nothing, just stroked Tyler's hair as he cracked under his self applied pressure.

“I don't know…” Tyler couldn't even begin to figure out how to finish the sentence. That was the only truth he did know. That he didn't know. “I'm sorry.”

It felt like the right thing to do. He was a burden, a grievance on Josh when he placed him in the position of caretaker. He should apologise for making Josh upset, uncomfortable, any other negative emotion.

Tyler was a plague, corrupting others with his negativity. Josh didn't deserve this.

“Tyler, listen to me.” Josh was so soft, his voice trailing through Tyler's ear like thread and tying itself around the bad thoughts, choking off their angry words. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But I,” it was hard to say anything when your throats closed up like that, when it burned to say a single word.

“Nothing. You're having a bad day. Maybe a bad week. Possibly longer. And it sucks, and I'm sorry I can't do much more. But it's okay to have bad days.” Josh's hands slid into Tyler's, his arms framing all of Tyler's body. “But you're so strong. You're going to fight through another day, and maybe tomorrow will be harder, maybe it will be easier. But you'll get through it.”

“I don't know if I can.” Tyler shook his head, “It hurts so much.”

“Just today. You need to fight for one more day, and then tomorrow you'll fight for another. Until it’s not fighting anymore but living. Until you're no longer counting.”

The very idea of another day, another night, being a victim to an enemy you can't strike or beat sounded exhausting. Was it worth it? “I don't know if I can get there.”

“You will, and you're going to help so many others make it there as well. Because your words and your lyrics are medicine to some people.” There was silence as Josh's head fell forward, resting in the bend of Tyler's neck, “It was medicine to me.”

And wasn't that something. The person Tyler had come to rely on, the person that had become his safety net was saved by Tyler in return. All he could do was release another sob, a broken, wet one as he tried to speak.

He was so exhausted. So tired. The time had caught up to him and slammed him with feelings that overtook his body. All he wanted was to rest against Josh forever. He wanted to sleep, one where he didn't wake up but didn't die, just eternal rest where he didn't bother anyone.

A little ironic considering Tyler's insomnia.

“You're so important, Tyler.” His words were barely above a whisper, but the conviction in them were strong enough to crush the background noise of bad thoughts. “You've helped so many people. You're so amazing and so strong.”

Josh's words felt like they were tightening around Tyler now, not just the voice in his mind. They were coiling around his body and pulling his shattered pieces together, helping Tyler rebuild himself.

They sat like that, Josh whispering encouragements and promises into his ear, pulling him up from over the edge as Tyler found safety in the arms around him.

“You're going to be okay, you've got me.” It felt like a promise, a fact, something unquestionable. Tyler had Josh and that was the cold truth. When his mind went to a dark place, dragged him down to the depths of depression, Josh was going to be there to pull him back up.

Tyler was going to be okay. Maybe not right now, maybe not today, or the next week, next month. But with Josh there, to be the support he needed…

Tyler was going to be okay.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Rufus, because it's been a bad week and he asked if I could write him some early day comforting. So I wrote this for him last night. I love you.
> 
> But it's also for anyone who's struggling right now. 
> 
> If you need to talk to someone, we're here for you, just come say hi on kik (falldowntofandom) and we can be sad or happy together.


End file.
